and it starts to set in.

For the past week, I’ve been running around the city grabbing things for the trip, and knocking off the final items on my to-do lists. My room is now littered with receipts, travel gear, paper, and the big red backpack I will be calling home for the next 3 months.

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As  I finally sat still on the couch and stared up at the high ceiling and large windows of J’s place last night, it finally and really started to sink in. The sheer enormity of this whole trip. Like the moment when you’re standing at the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean below. Your heart is racing. This deep pool of water engulfs you. You’re terrified, but you won’t turn back. It’s beckoning you in and you know you have to go. So with all your courage and faith, you take your biggest and longest inhale, and surrender to the discomfort. Heart open and forward, you leap into the depths of limitless potential below.

intentions

2014.

A new year. The beginning of an adventure.

My intention for the year is to be free.

To be free of:

fear
limiting/negative thoughts
toxicity (in people and circumstances)
judgement
expectations
excessive stress/worry
the battles I’ve been struggling with for years…

That’s what I hope for. To lead and guide my decisions and actions based on this. It’s early in the new year, and I’ve already taken some steps with this in mind.

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Last week was kinda big for me. I gave my three-week notice at work. I booked a one-way flight to Thailand. Steps one and two – check, and check. This gives me both a sense of excitement (I’d been dreaming of this for many years) and sheer terror (Uh, I can’t do this?!).

“If not now, then when?”

Perhaps the question that ultimately made me decide to do this. I’ve kept telling myself I would do this…one day. I think I only half-believed myself anyway, because it’s so much easier to just stay in my little bubble. But I think years of being unsatisfied, and playing it safe, I’m ready to just live a little.

“It’s going to change your life forever.”

People keep telling me this. I wouldn’t complain if I had my own little Eat, Pray, Love experience, but I also know that would be setting myself up for disappointment. Not that I don’t think this trip will affect me – of course it will. But I guess I just don’t want to over-hype things, as I sometimes tend to do in my head, only to be disappointed.

Some of life’s most pivotal points are often an accumulation of the subtle things. Meeting someone who becomes a close friend at an event you didn’t initially want to go to; the book you read but forgot how you thought to pick it up in the first place; or the one time a specific line of a song resonates so deeply in your heart, despite having heard the song a million times prior.

My first time solo travelling was to an ashram in the middle of nowhere in British Columbia when I was 24. I stayed there for two weeks, but I couldn’t say I came back a different person then. I didn’t come home with some life-altering experience. But looking back now, perhaps it did. I see now how it strengthened me spiritually, which has shaped values that I now aspire to live by. It gave me a glimpse into another possible way of life. A more simple way. A more sustainable way. A more connected way (like, real connection). These are some of the values I now seem to strive towards, and perhaps I feel like that was only scratching the surface. I know that there is even more for me to find and experience.

Okay, I’m just rambling, and not sure where I’m going with this. I guess that I want to try something completely different. A sense of freedom from a daily grind that feels contained and suffocating. A grind that I know will not get me closer to becoming any better of a person.

I’m not sure where this blog will go…perhaps it’ll just stay here in my email drafts*. Perhaps just to some close friends, or perhaps, I’ll just set it free. I don’t want to be bound to this either. So…whatever happens, will happen, as it should.

What’s your intention for this year?

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 * I decided to post this a month after writing it. Why not? Otherwise I’m not being true to living with the intention to be free, right?